[ Pretending like it doesn't get to him is the only way he can keep going. Keep doing the things he's done. That isn't even touching on the shitty childhood that drove him into the arms of Annie and then the occult. This life, no matter where it has led, saved his.
He's said far less kind things to people he's known longer and might have once cared about more. Des, for instance. ]
You're rubbish at lying.
[ And sleep? Sleep is a terrible idea at the moment. ]
I need to call Chas. He'll whinge enough as it is that I didn't try to get in touch already.
[A joke they both can cringe to. Matt hasn't let on too much about all the twists and turns of the road to his life at this point either. And now he's not so sure if he should, that it would be more trivial or not matter when he can feel that the events of the night before have drilled a hole between them.]
You can have a look if it'll make you happy. I don't usually get burned so that's new.
[It feels like a burn. He stands and drags the back of his wrist against his eyes as he gets the first aid kit from the bedroom. It's seen a lot of action these past few days.]
...was all that why you came back to New York?
[Not a fun time. He feels like an even bigger fool.]
[ One that actually earns a laugh and that cringe. It's hell on his ribs but worth it. There's a cavern between them now. He doesn't need magic to feel it. That's what this life does. ]
I'd be over the moon, chief. Hopefully this'll be an isolated incident then.
[ He works on a little of the coffee in his mug as the other man retrieves the bag. He mentioned calling Chas, but that can come later. He also doesn't even know where his bloody phone is. ]
No. [ He says it quickly. He's a liar and a con man. Jackass of all trades. It doesn't mean he's without feeling. That old saying about loving and losing? Written by some idiot who never had to do either. ]
[No words come out, Matt nods and pushes his sleeve up further to his elbow and puts his arm to the counter. The surface is cool, and he's more aware now that it's stinging. The kit is open for John's use.
The beating of his heart doesn't change. So that much is true. Matt's own heart wavers a little.]
I like having you around.
[The confession is a lot less about tenderness and that honeymoon drunk feeling, a resigned fact. If John meant what he said about trying to protect Matt from what work he does, that means that this is not going to hit the way he intended.]
[ What words are there left between them after all they've said? Movements slower from the aftereffects of the codeine and general healing from a rough night, he starts to pick through the kit. Pulling out what he needs, he has to go around to get a towel with some soapy water on it first. ]
Even after all this?
[ John isn't sure he likes being around when it brings this kind of danger into his man's life. He knew better and he still got caught up in all this. Idiot. He gently cleans the area of the burn, inspecting it for anything untoward but nothing stands out. Good. ]
[No words will remedy what has happened. Not like it's so straightforward to call it a wound or a trauma. It's more of an intense reveal. Matt smiles a little in spite of himself.]
How I feel with what happened last night.
[And he knows that he cares for John too deeply to pretend it doesn't bother him. It would be a blatant lie anyway. Can they stop hiding from one another? Maybe a little?
The sting of the antiseptic makes him hiss a little. Nothing he couldn't handle.]
...my ex was resurrected by a cult of ninjas.
[Which isn't to say that this is a better or worse moment. Just facts.]
[ No words can ever fix that. Not even six months in Ravenscar could ease his guilt or pain. He uses it now as motivation to make damn sure it doesn't happen again. He nearly died saving a child with his own life force because he couldn't take the weight of another innocent life on his soul.
He eases up as he dabs on the antiseptic with a soft apology as Matt continues explaining. ]
Resurrection does a number on a person. You lose something.
[ Idle talk. He imagines that Matt noticed that then. With the Lazarus Pit it's a bloodlust that takes hold because one loses their very soul. They have to be reunited with it. Hence the talk of retrieval before. ]
[Drugged, beaten and clearly all in his own head, John's hands stay gentle working. Matt wants to ask questions but he isn't sure if he would like to hear any of the answers. No, there are no words are there?
Under the alcohol, the scabbing blood gets more red, and it clearly separates from ash. Normal feeling, though Matt's not the one with eyes so he cannot say one way or the other.]
Yes. She didn't remember me or...much of anything for some time. And she came to, already we had our differences in morality.
[ Time for questions rarely comes at a good one. If he has them, he should ask them. The answers won't change or be any easier to stomach later.
The wound is clearing away easily enough. The antiseptic will help stave off infection. John digs through and gets some antibiotic ointment to lay down next before he bandages it. ]
You trying to hint that complicated is your normal and shouldn't get in the way of us?
[ Terrible, John. Honestly. He quiets almost immediately after he says it and regrets it with the heaviness in the air. ]
Sorry, mate. I---I shouldn't have said that.
[ Clearing his throat he focuses on the bandage next, wrapping it with a practiced sort of ease. ]
[Where do they go from here? Why is it that there is no other option for John? How long has he known this? What if ignorance is punishment?
Matt stays still under his touch. Gentle, attentive. It's a difference sensation than being caressed. He thought there would be more of that in this visit. As if that hasn't stung he also has hit the nail on the head. Matt's brows nit and his lips purse. Truth is just truth, isn't it?]
No, that's--it's not the same tough. You're right.
[Elektra is a flash flood, a thunderstorm and a blizzard all at once. And John? He's that twist of fate that has changed everything in a moment. No, he hasn't been openly destructive. There's much to be revealed. Is that even for you, Matthew?]
I didn't know what to think then. I was out of my depth.
[He wanted to ride it through and hold her tight. He said he'd travel the world with her. And then she was gone. The hurt of it is mostly gone, the echos of confusion resonate back to the present.]
[ There isn't much choice but to continue as they are. Trying to figure out the whims of celestial types never bodes well for anyone. He's known about his fate for years now.
John had hoped there would be more gentle touches involved in this visit as well. In his defense, he hadn't gone out looking for trouble. It reared its head and his hand was forced. He can't just turn away from this any more than Matt can with his own gifts. ]
This? Us? It's something you should be sure of, Matt. It's not just a whim or flight of fancy.
[ There's more at stake than just a good thing between them. There's a chance for something much more damning. He can still hear Desmond's disbelief. Johnny? ]
You still might be out of your depth, squire.
[ But does that mean they can't tread water together? ]
[Onward is the idea. Though this is not smooth sailing or awkward courtship of sorts. How long would this have dragged and dance until some truth shook loose? Should he feel grateful? Matt is still chewing on all of this. His arm stays still against the counter, his face tilted to John, listening to him speak. The music and color in his accent weighed down by fatigue.
They both are no strangers to trouble. That was clear. This is not something that can be cleared away with legal footwork or his fists. Matt hasn't met anything this confounding in some time. That could also be why it hurts so much. There's nothing he can do and it impacts someone he loves.
Love. That popped up fast. And he shifts his face away, slowly in grades, reaching for his mug.]
That...that all sounds about right.
[This needs consideration. He needs space and time or else he will drown swimming in the dark.]
If you ever needed help, I would open my door to you without a second thought.
[ Maybe it was selfish for John to keep it to himself. Maybe he should've put all his cards face up, so to speak, in the first place. Maybe bleeding maybe. If wishes were horses or some other bollocks like that.
He doesn't need any other ghosts following him around and last night he could've earned another in the form of the man in front of him. He knows the other ghosts trailing after his sorry soul don't need any other bits of ammunition to toss his way. ]
I'm a nasty piece of work, chief. Ask anybody.
[ It sounds like something one might say as a self-deprecating joke. Except there isn't an ounce of humor. It's all true. Fatigue is catching up but he's struggling against it still. He reaches for his own mug. He's almost missing that extra bit of flavor of the whisky from the night before.
Either way, it wouldn't help with the bitter taste of what he says next on his tongue. ]
Maybe, just until we sort where we are with all this, you should consider keeping it closed.
[A passing word to Chas? Not that John can speak to Matt's circle of friends. They fret over him even though he is certainly not a defenseless blind person. That's what friends do, they want to be close to you, love you and protect you. They are an earthly presence in his experience, as few as they are.
Matt rubs his forehead and eyelids again.]
Can we--just for now--go back to sleep?
[The moment is too heavy and he doesn't have it in him to lift it. If this were a boxing match he'd be swaying and tilting to the ropes. One good punch, one select set of words and he'd be down for the count.
Be grateful, he tells himself. Be grateful that this is not the closing bell. No one has hit the mat.]
[ Most of John's are ghosts. Literally. They visit him sometimes and drive him absolutely barmy. Maybe tonight will be different but they usually show their pasty faces when he's getting ready to really cock things up. When somebody's in danger of joining the proverbial ranks of those trailing after him.
A moment of weakness and he thinks he might like to see Emma again. He pushes the thought down as quickly as it rises. John swallows the bitterness of the thought and the words away with another sip of coffee. ]
[He smiles, sleepily and sighs. One more long drink of his mug. It is really doing nothing more than keeping him hydrated.]
Since the kit is out, I'll check your bandages before we crash.
[John could get around. He had this far. Matt can hear him breathe and move. No sounds like an old ship at sea, that much is good right? He comes around to the other side of the island.]
No bleeding.
[No smell of fresh blood. The second set of stitches held.]
[ He's been enough of a contrary git for the evening, he supposes. One can only handle so much in one sitting, especially when the person opposite is John Constantine. He lets him come around and check over things. ]
Maybe after a kip you can fill me in on just how you manage to work out all that the way you do, eh?
[Steady, careful fingers lift up his borrowed, soft cotton hoodie. One of Matt's Fogwell's Gym gear pieces. Well worn, comfortable which is what a hurt man needs. He knows it more by touch than actual design. His fingers feel over the bandage. Still dry, still staying firm. He wets his lips and nods a little.]
This truck carrying some sort of chemicals spilled on me when it didn't stop at the light. An old man was crossing and I pushed him out of the way.
[Two sentences. Hey. It's a start. John asked. And a part of him is still eager to try and meet the other man's wants.]
[ It's extremely comfortable. Well-worn and loved, John can tell by the fade on it. The wear. The touch earns a little jump but he doesn't flinch. It's all just a bit sensitive still. ]
Knew you were the hero type.
[ Maybe a bit on the nose to ask but rather be sure. ]
[The more time that passes, the more comfortable it becomes. A bit like the past, like the memories and feeling of a better time are a part of the fabric. Or it's just how Matt feels. He still is very careful about how he touches John.]
It was the right thing to do? I didn't really think about it, I just did it. He was our neighbor. I'd seen him walking around before plenty of times.
[Though not every boy would have done what Matt had, would they. He nods thoughtfully, no more first aid needed here. He guides the sweatshirt back down.]
Whatever it was burned away my vision. One moment I could see, the next I couldn't. I was rushed to the hospital. I was out for some time. At least I think I was. The world got louder, smells got more intense, everything felt so--harsh.
[ A good kid where John was a spot of trouble before he could rightly know what it all meant. Kicking around in old bomb sites, building dens out fo rubbish and watching his sister change in the window from the garden downstairs. Little bastard he was, even then.
Should've been a sign or something. Maybe it was. ]
It's how you do what you do now. [ Not a question. ] That's a neat trick.
I couldn't let him just die right there, not when I could do something. I just...I thought I was fast enough.
[Daring in that careless way that children are. Acting like they're invincible, that there are no real and permanent consequences. His fingers slide down to take a hold of John's hand, lightly tugging.]
I can hear your heart beating. I know that last night wrenched your shoulder badly, not bad enough to break but you're having a time sitting up straight. Like your side didn't give you enough to worry about.
[Another tug to get him walking, Matt will walk too.]
[ John knows that feeling of reckless, careless invincibility. It was what got him into that bind in Newcastle. Tough as shit punk kid with a chip on his shoulder and something to prove. At least Matt ended up saving the person he was with.
He lets Matt take his hand and start coaxing him towards the bedroom without complaint. ]
Had you to pop it back in though. [ But he's right so far, on all counts. Sleeping for a few hours at least sounds about as close to heaven as he'll ever get.
[Moving effortlessly he steps to slip beside John on the side of his tender shoulder, carefully looping it over his to help him to walk. Slow and not forcing. They've had enough unnecessary roughness.]
Yeah, it's still not doing so hot. I can help.
[This he can do. Give him a stretch once they get to the bedroom. Touching John and letting out the details of his life is a level of intimacy they haven't had before.]
[ They have to take a little more care headed to the bedroom. There's still gouges in the hardwood from that demon beast's claws. He can hear the plastic over the ruined window and wall trying to flap past the tape holding it. ]
I feel it.
[ Feels, rather, like that sodding beast had trampled him. He gives a soft hiss at the shift but keeps going. Once he can sit on the side of the bed he does and doesn't argue the help at getting the rest of the way in. ]
Does it help you? What you can do, in your day to day?
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He's said far less kind things to people he's known longer and might have once cared about more. Des, for instance. ]
You're rubbish at lying.
[ And sleep? Sleep is a terrible idea at the moment. ]
I need to call Chas. He'll whinge enough as it is that I didn't try to get in touch already.
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[A joke they both can cringe to. Matt hasn't let on too much about all the twists and turns of the road to his life at this point either. And now he's not so sure if he should, that it would be more trivial or not matter when he can feel that the events of the night before have drilled a hole between them.]
You can have a look if it'll make you happy. I don't usually get burned so that's new.
[It feels like a burn. He stands and drags the back of his wrist against his eyes as he gets the first aid kit from the bedroom. It's seen a lot of action these past few days.]
...was all that why you came back to New York?
[Not a fun time. He feels like an even bigger fool.]
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I'd be over the moon, chief. Hopefully this'll be an isolated incident then.
[ He works on a little of the coffee in his mug as the other man retrieves the bag. He mentioned calling Chas, but that can come later. He also doesn't even know where his bloody phone is. ]
No. [ He says it quickly. He's a liar and a con man. Jackass of all trades. It doesn't mean he's without feeling. That old saying about loving and losing? Written by some idiot who never had to do either. ]
I came back because I wanted to see you.
[ He should've stayed away. Maybe then--- ]
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The beating of his heart doesn't change. So that much is true. Matt's own heart wavers a little.]
I like having you around.
[The confession is a lot less about tenderness and that honeymoon drunk feeling, a resigned fact. If John meant what he said about trying to protect Matt from what work he does, that means that this is not going to hit the way he intended.]
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Even after all this?
[ John isn't sure he likes being around when it brings this kind of danger into his man's life. He knew better and he still got caught up in all this. Idiot. He gently cleans the area of the burn, inspecting it for anything untoward but nothing stands out. Good. ]
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How I feel with what happened last night.
[And he knows that he cares for John too deeply to pretend it doesn't bother him. It would be a blatant lie anyway. Can they stop hiding from one another? Maybe a little?
The sting of the antiseptic makes him hiss a little. Nothing he couldn't handle.]
...my ex was resurrected by a cult of ninjas.
[Which isn't to say that this is a better or worse moment. Just facts.]
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He eases up as he dabs on the antiseptic with a soft apology as Matt continues explaining. ]
Resurrection does a number on a person. You lose something.
[ Idle talk. He imagines that Matt noticed that then. With the Lazarus Pit it's a bloodlust that takes hold because one loses their very soul. They have to be reunited with it. Hence the talk of retrieval before. ]
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Under the alcohol, the scabbing blood gets more red, and it clearly separates from ash. Normal feeling, though Matt's not the one with eyes so he cannot say one way or the other.]
Yes. She didn't remember me or...much of anything for some time. And she came to, already we had our differences in morality.
[His lips curl warily at that.]
What I'm saying is, it was complicated.
[And yet not as hard feeling as this moment.]
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The wound is clearing away easily enough. The antiseptic will help stave off infection. John digs through and gets some antibiotic ointment to lay down next before he bandages it. ]
You trying to hint that complicated is your normal and shouldn't get in the way of us?
[ Terrible, John. Honestly. He quiets almost immediately after he says it and regrets it with the heaviness in the air. ]
Sorry, mate. I---I shouldn't have said that.
[ Clearing his throat he focuses on the bandage next, wrapping it with a practiced sort of ease. ]
Should do.
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Matt stays still under his touch. Gentle, attentive. It's a difference sensation than being caressed. He thought there would be more of that in this visit. As if that hasn't stung he also has hit the nail on the head. Matt's brows nit and his lips purse. Truth is just truth, isn't it?]
No, that's--it's not the same tough. You're right.
[Elektra is a flash flood, a thunderstorm and a blizzard all at once. And John? He's that twist of fate that has changed everything in a moment. No, he hasn't been openly destructive. There's much to be revealed. Is that even for you, Matthew?]
I didn't know what to think then. I was out of my depth.
[He wanted to ride it through and hold her tight. He said he'd travel the world with her. And then she was gone. The hurt of it is mostly gone, the echos of confusion resonate back to the present.]
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John had hoped there would be more gentle touches involved in this visit as well. In his defense, he hadn't gone out looking for trouble. It reared its head and his hand was forced. He can't just turn away from this any more than Matt can with his own gifts. ]
This? Us? It's something you should be sure of, Matt. It's not just a whim or flight of fancy.
[ There's more at stake than just a good thing between them. There's a chance for something much more damning. He can still hear Desmond's disbelief. Johnny? ]
You still might be out of your depth, squire.
[ But does that mean they can't tread water together? ]
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They both are no strangers to trouble. That was clear. This is not something that can be cleared away with legal footwork or his fists. Matt hasn't met anything this confounding in some time. That could also be why it hurts so much. There's nothing he can do and it impacts someone he loves.
Love. That popped up fast. And he shifts his face away, slowly in grades, reaching for his mug.]
That...that all sounds about right.
[This needs consideration. He needs space and time or else he will drown swimming in the dark.]
If you ever needed help, I would open my door to you without a second thought.
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He doesn't need any other ghosts following him around and last night he could've earned another in the form of the man in front of him. He knows the other ghosts trailing after his sorry soul don't need any other bits of ammunition to toss his way. ]
I'm a nasty piece of work, chief. Ask anybody.
[ It sounds like something one might say as a self-deprecating joke. Except there isn't an ounce of humor. It's all true. Fatigue is catching up but he's struggling against it still. He reaches for his own mug. He's almost missing that extra bit of flavor of the whisky from the night before.
Either way, it wouldn't help with the bitter taste of what he says next on his tongue. ]
Maybe, just until we sort where we are with all this, you should consider keeping it closed.
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[A passing word to Chas? Not that John can speak to Matt's circle of friends. They fret over him even though he is certainly not a defenseless blind person. That's what friends do, they want to be close to you, love you and protect you. They are an earthly presence in his experience, as few as they are.
Matt rubs his forehead and eyelids again.]
Can we--just for now--go back to sleep?
[The moment is too heavy and he doesn't have it in him to lift it. If this were a boxing match he'd be swaying and tilting to the ropes. One good punch, one select set of words and he'd be down for the count.
Be grateful, he tells himself. Be grateful that this is not the closing bell. No one has hit the mat.]
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[ Most of John's are ghosts. Literally. They visit him sometimes and drive him absolutely barmy. Maybe tonight will be different but they usually show their pasty faces when he's getting ready to really cock things up. When somebody's in danger of joining the proverbial ranks of those trailing after him.
A moment of weakness and he thinks he might like to see Emma again. He pushes the thought down as quickly as it rises. John swallows the bitterness of the thought and the words away with another sip of coffee. ]
Yeah, mate. Probably do us both some good.
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[He smiles, sleepily and sighs. One more long drink of his mug. It is really doing nothing more than keeping him hydrated.]
Since the kit is out, I'll check your bandages before we crash.
[John could get around. He had this far. Matt can hear him breathe and move. No sounds like an old ship at sea, that much is good right? He comes around to the other side of the island.]
No bleeding.
[No smell of fresh blood. The second set of stitches held.]
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Maybe after a kip you can fill me in on just how you manage to work out all that the way you do, eh?
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This truck carrying some sort of chemicals spilled on me when it didn't stop at the light. An old man was crossing and I pushed him out of the way.
[Two sentences. Hey. It's a start. John asked. And a part of him is still eager to try and meet the other man's wants.]
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Knew you were the hero type.
[ Maybe a bit on the nose to ask but rather be sure. ]
It changed you?
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It was the right thing to do? I didn't really think about it, I just did it. He was our neighbor. I'd seen him walking around before plenty of times.
[Though not every boy would have done what Matt had, would they. He nods thoughtfully, no more first aid needed here. He guides the sweatshirt back down.]
Whatever it was burned away my vision. One moment I could see, the next I couldn't. I was rushed to the hospital. I was out for some time. At least I think I was. The world got louder, smells got more intense, everything felt so--harsh.
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[ A good kid where John was a spot of trouble before he could rightly know what it all meant. Kicking around in old bomb sites, building dens out fo rubbish and watching his sister change in the window from the garden downstairs. Little bastard he was, even then.
Should've been a sign or something. Maybe it was. ]
It's how you do what you do now. [ Not a question. ] That's a neat trick.
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[Daring in that careless way that children are. Acting like they're invincible, that there are no real and permanent consequences. His fingers slide down to take a hold of John's hand, lightly tugging.]
I can hear your heart beating. I know that last night wrenched your shoulder badly, not bad enough to break but you're having a time sitting up straight. Like your side didn't give you enough to worry about.
[Another tug to get him walking, Matt will walk too.]
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He lets Matt take his hand and start coaxing him towards the bedroom without complaint. ]
Had you to pop it back in though. [ But he's right so far, on all counts. Sleeping for a few hours at least sounds about as close to heaven as he'll ever get.
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Yeah, it's still not doing so hot. I can help.
[This he can do. Give him a stretch once they get to the bedroom. Touching John and letting out the details of his life is a level of intimacy they haven't had before.]
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I feel it.
[ Feels, rather, like that sodding beast had trampled him. He gives a soft hiss at the shift but keeps going. Once he can sit on the side of the bed he does and doesn't argue the help at getting the rest of the way in. ]
Does it help you? What you can do, in your day to day?
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