Wha--? [ He grabs for the sketches closest, scrubbing a hand over his face and then back through his mussed hair. ] You got something stuffed in your ears, mate? I'm not ruddy going back there. Thought it was pretty clear I wanted nothing to do with the lot of you.
[ He feels an immediate surge of protectiveness when Mick picks up the drawings that flutter and land near him, mouth twisting. It's a struggle for him to get to his feet but he manages and stumbles over to get those papers from him. That close it's clear he's met the business end of more than one person's fists. He sneers up at him.]
[ That nothing is wrong with him. That he wants nothing to do with the rest of them. Mick's calling bullshit on it all. ]
Come on.
[ John's biggest tactical mistake is coming close enough to get the drawings from Mick. Mick gives them up easily, because now that his leath-clad hands are free, he can grab for John's stupid coat and yank him close enough to loop an arm around his middle. ]
Gonna exorcise your weasel-y little ass if I gotta.
Quit playing like you've got all this worked out. You---
[ Only his continued argument is cut off by being addled enough from a hangover that he's easily pulled along by the bigger man. John might be scrappy when he needs to, but Mick's muscle brought to bear and sheer bloody single-minded determination to do whatever he will when he wants. He shifts his arms up, elbow braced against the other man's chest and reaching down with his left not holding the sketches to push at the arm around his middle. ]
Bastard! [ But then he catches the rest of his nonsense and lets go a bitter sounding laugh. Teeth set on edge, he shakes his head, lips pressed to a thin line. His head is pounding. ] That what you think this is? Town got it over on me the once, so Johnny must be out of his head again?
What you see is what you get. Get off. [ The last time they were this close it wasn't even here. The high-strung emotion of the now bleeding into the memory and bloating it like some rotted thing. Don't ask me to do that. ] Now.
[ If anything, his grip tightens. He's got gloves and a leather jacker and he can barely even feel much through all his layers of clothes. There's a metaphor in there somewhere, but fuck acknowledging that. ]
We been through too much for you to just run off, so start talkin' or come home silently. I don't care which! Hell, if I did something, you can hit me, too. One good hit and then you shut it and come home.
No, you're just a stupid git that goes and gets himself killed with bleeding heroics!
[ Which is more than he wanted to say on the matter in the first place. He feels the grip tighten and the last thing he wants or needs is to have to go back to the house and deal with Mick. With Sara. Desperation, as ever, is a hell of a motivator and this time tied into his own desire to not have to look his own failures in the face---
His eyes roll to the back of his head and he utters an incantation. Amber light glitters between them a moment before wrenching them apart with enough force to knock them both away from each other. Groaning once he hits his back, he winces as his body protests him shifting to get up. The papers have gone out of his hand, scattered about the room and everything is aching, feeling raw and wounded. Pride included. ]
You bloody well died. [ Comes tumbling out of him hoarsely. ] That what you wanted to hear? The hand-holding, team-building musical number bollocks you needed out of me?
[ Mick flies away, hitting the wall behind him with a grunt. He's winded and it takes a moment for him to get the air back in his lungs, but beyond that, he can tell he's just banged up.
Nothing broken, so he'll worry about bruises and scratches and whatever else later, because he's a big boy and he's spent more time behind bars than can leave a man upset over a little pain. ]
Yeah--[ A wheeze ]--no shit I died.
[ Another pause while he tries to get his breathing back to something resembling normal. ]
So what? I'm not dead now, am I? Can't run around scared 'cause I died once or twice. With all the dumb shit we pull on the Waverider, I've died or been left for dead about once a year since that Time Ass-ster first brought us on board.
[ Trying to get his head back on straight after that magical outburst is harder than it usually is. He imagines it's a combination of however long he's been drinking himself stupid and how twisted up his magic is here in Deerington. Usually, a move like that would've sobered him up more than anything, now it just makes him ache all over.
John reaches for the coffee table he'd knocked into and uses it to get leverage back to a sitting position, working towards getting to his feet. ]
And how long before it isn't a stupid little thing to toss around like a funny story, eh? How long before it's permanent. Should've bloody well been that back in London but somehow----somehow you lot all got a second or whatever number chance this is.
[ A shuddering exhale. ]
And I'm not sticking around you all to find out how long before I help bollocks that up to.
[ Mick pushes himself up to sit with his back against the wall behind him. ]
Can't really talk for any of the others, but I don't do regrets. I do what I want when I want and I don't answer to anyone I don't wanna answer to. Not really lookin' to die, but if I do, I'm going out without regrets. You should try it. It involves not blaming yourself for shit you didn't do.
[ And Mick won't pretend that's an easy road to find. It took him decades to really understand that he didn't actually kill his parents. ]
Lived half my life expecting to get taken out in a fight in Juvie and then in Iron Heights. Saving the world's not such a bad way to go after years of that. Besides, I'd be saving it for Lita. Would've figured you'd get that with Astra and all.
[ He means it, too. His biggest regret would be not getting more time with her, but it would be selfish to weigh that against her safety and Mick's selfish sometimes, but he doesn't think he could ever really be selfish where she's concerned. She deserves a better life. ]
We all went down in London doing the best we could. Didn't think any of us didn't want to be there. Just 'cause you got all your magic stuff doesn't mean you're any better or worse off than the rest of us.
[ He's quiet as Mick talks. Mostly due to still being weak from the bit of spellcasting gone awry and unwilling to talk and betray just how gutted he is in the moment. Going out without regrets is a novel idea. Might've been doable if he wasn't such a rotten bastard at his core. ]
Oh, the pep talk, spare me. I've done too much to avoid regrets. Guilt and torment are easy as breathing because I did do this and more besides. [ His voice quakes. ] And don't you dare bring her into this. Me away from Astra is the best thing I can do for her. The less chance she'll get drug right back down into the thick of it.
[ The barking, watery sound of laughter that escapes his throat raw surprises John as his shoulders shake. His eyes are wet but that's easy to blame on the absurdity not the way his chest is cracking open. Oh, that's it, isn't it? Of course he never said to anyone but Zari, so how would Mick have known especially at the end. ]
No, Mick. We didn't all go down doing the best we could. It wasn't some last hurrah, rage rage against the dying of the light shit. You lot died. Not me. So go ahead, tell me how much better or worse off I'm not.
[ Mick glances over at him, clearly a little surprised. He hadn't thought about it. Everything had been too hectic to really notice. Hell, Mick only really saw a few of the others go down. He'd just assumed they'd all gone down eventually.
He huffs out a heavy breath, nodding slowly. ]
Back when the Time Masters turned me into Cronos and then the Legends helped me be me again, I was ready to die to save the rest of 'em. I figured it was the only thing I could really do to redeem myself after what I'd done and one of us had to stay back to fix all the broken time crap. Snart knocked me out and died in my place. You think I don't know how much surviving sucks? He was the only one of 'em I even cared about.
[ Back then, anyway. Now his feelings are very different. The Legends are his family, but back when they'd first started, he would have sold them all for just him and Snart's safety and freedom and a few times he'd tried. ]
[ Why would he have? Not really any cause for it. When the big man had asked him to make sure he didn't turn--- Seemed bad form to mention. Bad enough day as it was.
When he sees that look in Mick's eyes, though, he can't face it for long. Cowardly as ever, he looks away. ]
I'm tired. [ Said after Mick finishes. It isn't just the Legends. It isn't just Astra. The same way it wasn't just Desmond or Neron coming after him. It was all of it. Every life he's ruined from the moment of his first breath to now. He ruined Zed. He ruined his best mate, Chas. Thinking he's got the right to have something better than what's already been set in front of him. ] We're not the same, either. So take that as the win it is and do yourself a favor.
Stay the hell away from me. [ His eyes harden when he looks back to the other man still sat against the wall after their tussle. His jaw quivers. ] Get up and go.
[ Snart never gave up on Mick for long. The Legends have stood by him through a lot, too. They kept giving him chances, refusing to give up on Mick as he worked through so much of his own baggage. It's not like he's done, either, but he knows he's a better man than he'd been before he'd stepped foot on the Waverider.
He's not going to give up on John now, either, because they're not the same, but they're close enough. ]
What are you so afraid of? What do you think you can say or do to me that I haven't thought about myself?
[ His stomach twists with upset and there's a buzzing in the back of his head as anger starts to spark up again. He shakes his head, ducking it low, and groans as he uses the table and sofa for leverage to get up to his feet. ]
There are worse things out there than what you've already done and seen. You think I'm talking about the after to all this? My best mate had a life before I came back into his life. We got pissed out of our skulls one night and I did a spell. Peacocking as usual, as always. A fire broke out and he died along with 47 other people.
Except he came back. And this life, my life wheedled its way back in through the cracks like water freezing and broke that all apart. His wife left him. Took their daughter, he gets to visit her, sure. And you're thinking oh, that's already the way of it for me, but it gets worse. Cause the counter is spinning down, big man. And you, just like him, are on borrowed time. It won't be just you that pays for it in the end. It'll be your Lita. It'll be her mother.
And believe me, that isn't something you want on your hands.
[ Mick would be lying if he said that the idea of something happening to Lita because of him leaves him feeling like ice water is dripping down his back. The dread of it sinks its claws in and leaves him with the sort of anxiety he hasn't hasn't felt since those early days in lockup.
He brings his gloved hands up to fidget with one of the thumbs. Normally he's more still than this, but the whole thing is affecting him more than he'd really like to admit. ]
Well I'm not raising her to turn her back on her friends, either. She's going to be better than who I used to be.
[ The times he'd pushed back too hard on Leonard's faith in him, the times he'd turned on the Legends for objectively no good reason at all. That's not who Mick Rory is anymore and it sure as hell isn't who he wants Lita to be. ]
[ This here is why he runs. Why he leaves naught but empty rooms and fake names on ledgers. Because this is what any kind of future with or around him amounts to. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The anger, never fully given cause to rise again, smolders uncomfortably inside; not quite snuffed yet. ]
Don't then. But teach her to know what's worth the cost. Who is. Raise her to know the difference between who's good for her and who isn't.
[ Like him. He goes past, resisting the impulse to offer a hand and help Mick up, even though it's there. Instead, he picks up the nearest sketch that had been thrown out of his grip from the brief tussle, mouth twisting as he tries to smooth out the paper. ]
[ Mick almost smiles at that. He remembers the way he'd felt when John had told him that he's not the monster. He's still not sure if he really believes it, but then that's the real reason they're two peas in a pod, isn't it? ]
Nah. Then she won't want anything to do with me. I'm too selfish for that.
[ He kicks out his foot towards John's, just a thump and nothing meant to trip him up. ]
[ John meant what he'd said then. He's known loads of people in his time, ones that deserved whatever was coming to them after living through the motions and those that didn't. Those still that slipped between the cracks of it all, stuck in the grey or paying the price for someone else's screw-ups.
Despite his better judgement, the comment and the thump to his foot earns a soft snort, fight leeching out of him. ]
So, uh, heh---[ He looks away, around the mussed living room and then back to the man on the floor. ]---I'll try not to be too much of a bastard when I get to say I told you so, when you're wrong, yeah?
[ He pushes himself up to his feet if no one's going to help him up and as he shifts around, a little possum snout peaks out of Mick's leather jacket. ]
Aw look who finally woke up.
[ Pulling off a glove, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a raisin for her. ]
So you comin' home or what? It's cold in here. Some asshole knocked your door off.
[ The big man is right to call him out on that comment. If things go south one way or another as they inevitably will, John will be insufferable about it. As usual. The spellwork having dispelled the bulk of the leftover intoxication leaves him aching all over, a hangover likely both from drink and magic alike.
Bloody hell. He's rubbing the back of his neck when he looks up and sees Slash being fussed over, immediately squashing down the feeling of regret that tries to crawl up. He'd tossed them both like that and could've hurt that one. Good job, John.
Another shake of his head, exhausted though it is. ]
Suppose the only other option is to freeze my bollocks off in here. Could do out of spite.
[ But oh, look, he's shuffling to start gathering the rest of the papers that scattered and nods a little. Saying it out loud seems too much like an admission of some kind of failure or that he's acknowledging how much of an utter arse he's been. ]
[ Well, he might be, but Mick will challenge him on it, because he's not going to beg the guy to come home, but he knows the request is floating between them already. He's told him to come back a few times now, but even Mick has some level of dignity to maintain here. ]
Probably.
[ He pets Slash and tucks her back into his jacket before following after John to help him gather up the drawings. They must mean something to him, so they can gather them and bring them back to their place. ]
[ He offers with a slow shrug. All that fussing aside, he's not convinced this is the best course of action. That going back will help or change anything. But he knows pride and he's pushed at the big man enough to know when there should be a little give on his own side of things. ]
Good thing you've never had to try and reason with my younger self. Best hope he doesn't make a reappearance. Never have shut of him.
[ And definitely not talk him into going anywhere he didn't first decide he wanted to go. The final push, he reckons, comes in the form of Mick helping him gather things. He doesn't say anything else about them as he grabs the portfolio and opens it so the other man can set them inside with the rest. ]
[ He might be joking, but he probably isn't. It's not like Snart hadn't done it to him a few times. There are moments where cold-cocking a person you care about is the right thing. That's the lesson there, right? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He feels an immediate surge of protectiveness when Mick picks up the drawings that flutter and land near him, mouth twisting. It's a struggle for him to get to his feet but he manages and stumbles over to get those papers from him. That close it's clear he's met the business end of more than one person's fists. He sneers up at him.]
Nothing's wrong with me.
no subject
[ That nothing is wrong with him. That he wants nothing to do with the rest of them. Mick's calling bullshit on it all. ]
Come on.
[ John's biggest tactical mistake is coming close enough to get the drawings from Mick. Mick gives them up easily, because now that his leath-clad hands are free, he can grab for John's stupid coat and yank him close enough to loop an arm around his middle. ]
Gonna exorcise your weasel-y little ass if I gotta.
no subject
[ Only his continued argument is cut off by being addled enough from a hangover that he's easily pulled along by the bigger man. John might be scrappy when he needs to, but Mick's muscle brought to bear and sheer bloody single-minded determination to do whatever he will when he wants. He shifts his arms up, elbow braced against the other man's chest and reaching down with his left not holding the sketches to push at the arm around his middle. ]
Bastard! [ But then he catches the rest of his nonsense and lets go a bitter sounding laugh. Teeth set on edge, he shakes his head, lips pressed to a thin line. His head is pounding. ] That what you think this is? Town got it over on me the once, so Johnny must be out of his head again?
What you see is what you get. Get off. [ The last time they were this close it wasn't even here. The high-strung emotion of the now bleeding into the memory and bloating it like some rotted thing. Don't ask me to do that. ] Now.
no subject
[ If anything, his grip tightens. He's got gloves and a leather jacker and he can barely even feel much through all his layers of clothes. There's a metaphor in there somewhere, but fuck acknowledging that. ]
We been through too much for you to just run off, so start talkin' or come home silently. I don't care which! Hell, if I did something, you can hit me, too. One good hit and then you shut it and come home.
no subject
[ Which is more than he wanted to say on the matter in the first place. He feels the grip tighten and the last thing he wants or needs is to have to go back to the house and deal with Mick. With Sara. Desperation, as ever, is a hell of a motivator and this time tied into his own desire to not have to look his own failures in the face---
His eyes roll to the back of his head and he utters an incantation. Amber light glitters between them a moment before wrenching them apart with enough force to knock them both away from each other. Groaning once he hits his back, he winces as his body protests him shifting to get up. The papers have gone out of his hand, scattered about the room and everything is aching, feeling raw and wounded. Pride included. ]
You bloody well died. [ Comes tumbling out of him hoarsely. ] That what you wanted to hear? The hand-holding, team-building musical number bollocks you needed out of me?
no subject
Nothing broken, so he'll worry about bruises and scratches and whatever else later, because he's a big boy and he's spent more time behind bars than can leave a man upset over a little pain. ]
Yeah--[ A wheeze ]--no shit I died.
[ Another pause while he tries to get his breathing back to something resembling normal. ]
So what? I'm not dead now, am I? Can't run around scared 'cause I died once or twice. With all the dumb shit we pull on the Waverider, I've died or been left for dead about once a year since that Time Ass-ster first brought us on board.
no subject
John reaches for the coffee table he'd knocked into and uses it to get leverage back to a sitting position, working towards getting to his feet. ]
And how long before it isn't a stupid little thing to toss around like a funny story, eh? How long before it's permanent. Should've bloody well been that back in London but somehow----somehow you lot all got a second or whatever number chance this is.
[ A shuddering exhale. ]
And I'm not sticking around you all to find out how long before I help bollocks that up to.
[tw: death, parental death]
Can't really talk for any of the others, but I don't do regrets. I do what I want when I want and I don't answer to anyone I don't wanna answer to. Not really lookin' to die, but if I do, I'm going out without regrets. You should try it. It involves not blaming yourself for shit you didn't do.
[ And Mick won't pretend that's an easy road to find. It took him decades to really understand that he didn't actually kill his parents. ]
Lived half my life expecting to get taken out in a fight in Juvie and then in Iron Heights. Saving the world's not such a bad way to go after years of that. Besides, I'd be saving it for Lita. Would've figured you'd get that with Astra and all.
[ He means it, too. His biggest regret would be not getting more time with her, but it would be selfish to weigh that against her safety and Mick's selfish sometimes, but he doesn't think he could ever really be selfish where she's concerned. She deserves a better life. ]
We all went down in London doing the best we could. Didn't think any of us didn't want to be there. Just 'cause you got all your magic stuff doesn't mean you're any better or worse off than the rest of us.
tw: death
Oh, the pep talk, spare me. I've done too much to avoid regrets. Guilt and torment are easy as breathing because I did do this and more besides. [ His voice quakes. ] And don't you dare bring her into this. Me away from Astra is the best thing I can do for her. The less chance she'll get drug right back down into the thick of it.
[ The barking, watery sound of laughter that escapes his throat raw surprises John as his shoulders shake. His eyes are wet but that's easy to blame on the absurdity not the way his chest is cracking open. Oh, that's it, isn't it? Of course he never said to anyone but Zari, so how would Mick have known especially at the end. ]
No, Mick. We didn't all go down doing the best we could. It wasn't some last hurrah, rage rage against the dying of the light shit. You lot died. Not me. So go ahead, tell me how much better or worse off I'm not.
no subject
He huffs out a heavy breath, nodding slowly. ]
Back when the Time Masters turned me into Cronos and then the Legends helped me be me again, I was ready to die to save the rest of 'em. I figured it was the only thing I could really do to redeem myself after what I'd done and one of us had to stay back to fix all the broken time crap. Snart knocked me out and died in my place. You think I don't know how much surviving sucks? He was the only one of 'em I even cared about.
[ Back then, anyway. Now his feelings are very different. The Legends are his family, but back when they'd first started, he would have sold them all for just him and Snart's safety and freedom and a few times he'd tried. ]
no subject
When he sees that look in Mick's eyes, though, he can't face it for long. Cowardly as ever, he looks away. ]
I'm tired. [ Said after Mick finishes. It isn't just the Legends. It isn't just Astra. The same way it wasn't just Desmond or Neron coming after him. It was all of it. Every life he's ruined from the moment of his first breath to now. He ruined Zed. He ruined his best mate, Chas. Thinking he's got the right to have something better than what's already been set in front of him. ] We're not the same, either. So take that as the win it is and do yourself a favor.
Stay the hell away from me. [ His eyes harden when he looks back to the other man still sat against the wall after their tussle. His jaw quivers. ] Get up and go.
no subject
[ Snart never gave up on Mick for long. The Legends have stood by him through a lot, too. They kept giving him chances, refusing to give up on Mick as he worked through so much of his own baggage. It's not like he's done, either, but he knows he's a better man than he'd been before he'd stepped foot on the Waverider.
He's not going to give up on John now, either, because they're not the same, but they're close enough. ]
What are you so afraid of? What do you think you can say or do to me that I haven't thought about myself?
no subject
[ His stomach twists with upset and there's a buzzing in the back of his head as anger starts to spark up again. He shakes his head, ducking it low, and groans as he uses the table and sofa for leverage to get up to his feet. ]
There are worse things out there than what you've already done and seen. You think I'm talking about the after to all this? My best mate had a life before I came back into his life. We got pissed out of our skulls one night and I did a spell. Peacocking as usual, as always. A fire broke out and he died along with 47 other people.
Except he came back. And this life, my life wheedled its way back in through the cracks like water freezing and broke that all apart. His wife left him. Took their daughter, he gets to visit her, sure. And you're thinking oh, that's already the way of it for me, but it gets worse. Cause the counter is spinning down, big man. And you, just like him, are on borrowed time. It won't be just you that pays for it in the end. It'll be your Lita. It'll be her mother.
And believe me, that isn't something you want on your hands.
no subject
He brings his gloved hands up to fidget with one of the thumbs. Normally he's more still than this, but the whole thing is affecting him more than he'd really like to admit. ]
Well I'm not raising her to turn her back on her friends, either. She's going to be better than who I used to be.
[ The times he'd pushed back too hard on Leonard's faith in him, the times he'd turned on the Legends for objectively no good reason at all. That's not who Mick Rory is anymore and it sure as hell isn't who he wants Lita to be. ]
no subject
The anger, never fully given cause to rise again, smolders uncomfortably inside; not quite snuffed yet. ]
Don't then. But teach her to know what's worth the cost. Who is. Raise her to know the difference between who's good for her and who isn't.
[ Like him. He goes past, resisting the impulse to offer a hand and help Mick up, even though it's there. Instead, he picks up the nearest sketch that had been thrown out of his grip from the brief tussle, mouth twisting as he tries to smooth out the paper. ]
no subject
Nah. Then she won't want anything to do with me. I'm too selfish for that.
[ He kicks out his foot towards John's, just a thump and nothing meant to trip him up. ]
You're an idiot, but you're worth it.
no subject
Despite his better judgement, the comment and the thump to his foot earns a soft snort, fight leeching out of him. ]
So, uh, heh---[ He looks away, around the mussed living room and then back to the man on the floor. ]---I'll try not to be too much of a bastard when I get to say I told you so, when you're wrong, yeah?
no subject
[ He pushes himself up to his feet if no one's going to help him up and as he shifts around, a little possum snout peaks out of Mick's leather jacket. ]
Aw look who finally woke up.
[ Pulling off a glove, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a raisin for her. ]
So you comin' home or what? It's cold in here. Some asshole knocked your door off.
[ The tiniest hint of a grin. ]
no subject
Bloody hell. He's rubbing the back of his neck when he looks up and sees Slash being fussed over, immediately squashing down the feeling of regret that tries to crawl up. He'd tossed them both like that and could've hurt that one. Good job, John.
Another shake of his head, exhausted though it is. ]
Suppose the only other option is to freeze my bollocks off in here. Could do out of spite.
[ But oh, look, he's shuffling to start gathering the rest of the papers that scattered and nods a little. Saying it out loud seems too much like an admission of some kind of failure or that he's acknowledging how much of an utter arse he's been. ]
no subject
[ Well, he might be, but Mick will challenge him on it, because he's not going to beg the guy to come home, but he knows the request is floating between them already. He's told him to come back a few times now, but even Mick has some level of dignity to maintain here. ]
Probably.
[ He pets Slash and tucks her back into his jacket before following after John to help him gather up the drawings. They must mean something to him, so they can gather them and bring them back to their place. ]
no subject
[ He offers with a slow shrug. All that fussing aside, he's not convinced this is the best course of action. That going back will help or change anything. But he knows pride and he's pushed at the big man enough to know when there should be a little give on his own side of things. ]
Good thing you've never had to try and reason with my younger self. Best hope he doesn't make a reappearance. Never have shut of him.
[ And definitely not talk him into going anywhere he didn't first decide he wanted to go. The final push, he reckons, comes in the form of Mick helping him gather things. He doesn't say anything else about them as he grabs the portfolio and opens it so the other man can set them inside with the rest. ]
no subject
[ He might be joking, but he probably isn't. It's not like Snart hadn't done it to him a few times. There are moments where cold-cocking a person you care about is the right thing. That's the lesson there, right? ]
I bet you were even scrawnier then.